Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Hair becomes cooler when it's on the bottom of your head, I guess.

“No need to look so glum, buddy. At least you’ve got a sweet beard,” says a random guy as I step up to the bar. I guess he thought that anyone with a beard should have an enormous grin at all times.

Instances like this are not uncommon. “Hey! Dude! Nice beard!” I hear it most often at bars, but the occasional beard-enthusiast will show up on the street once in a while.

Example: I went to a baseball game a few weeks ago. Around the fifth inning I went out into the concession area to smoke a cigarette. While standing there with my friend, I heard some guys behind me talking.

“Hey,” one of them said to me.

“Uh, yeah?”

“Hey man, we were talking about how awesome your beard is before. It’s kinda funny that you’re out here.”

My first reaction was to be a little embarrassed. Then I said, “Wait, so you guys were checking me out?”

“Uh, yeah. Ha ha, kinda.” Nervous laughter. This was getting weird.

They were seated in the section to my right, had seen me, and discussed the hair on my face. Now, I could understand this if my beard went to me knees, or had a nest of birds in it, or was on fire, but this was not the case. I had even just trimmed it a few days prior, so it wasn’t long at all.

I tried to just turn around and keep talking to my friend but these guys decided they had broken the ice and could now start talking about old times. (“Remember when I saw your beard before? Ha ha ha…”)

I was polite, but happy to get away from these guys. I felt like I was a celebrity but for a really poor reason, like forgetting to put on underwear before getting out of a car.

These comments come strictly from guys that don’t have beards. It’s as if they think that being able to grow facial hair equates to being able to chop wood for ten hours straight before sleeping with God’s wife. Manly shit.

It may be the equivalent of penis-envy, but for beards.

Dudes that have beards may give a nod of recognition once in a while, but mainly they just walk on by as if it isn't anything to shout about. You know why? Because it isn’t.

It’s just a little bit of hair covering the lower half of my face because I want to use half as much face wash. It’s just economical. These are hard times and sometimes you just have to grow a beard and tough it out.

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