Monday, August 17, 2009

Drinking can turn you into a detective.

It’s quite an experience to wake up lost. No idea where you are or how you had gotten there. It sets you up for a full day of solving mysteries. This is the trick I pulled yesterday.

I woke up on the floor. When I sat up and looked around, I said “I have no idea where I am.” I began running through the events of the previous day, looking for any clues as to how I may have ended up on a random floor.

My apartment complex threw a “community event” at the pool in the afternoon. This included a large quantity of free hotdogs, chips, soda, DIY ice cream sundaes, and a DJ. We sat by the pool enjoying all the free stuff when the competitions began.

I didn’t particularly want to join the bout of musical chairs, but they were short a few people so I joined. After a lengthy battle I was the sole person sitting in a chair when the music stopped which won me a ten dollar gift card to a restaurant. Cool.

Almost immediately after that, the cannonball contest started. This is when the training Ted and I had done all summer came in handy. People performed the textbook cannonballs while being scored on a one-to-ten basis. They had some good looking cannonballs but they didn’t know what they were in for when it was my turn. I performed a running backflip cannonball which secured me a twenty-five dollar gift card to a different restaurant.

Next up was the bellyflop contest. Ted decided to join this one so I knew I would have some competition. It was set up for three rounds. We easily made it into the second round and then into the third round. The final round was simply between Ted and I. We knew that no matter what we were both going to be using that card so we didn’t really care who won. It was all for bragging rights. Ted did a 360 Christ Air belly flop. As I tried to come up with a flop to beat his I went blank. I had no idea what to do so I just jumped in while grabbing my ankles behind my back. I was hoping for splash points but I guess I didn’t get enough. Ted walked away with the fifty dollar gift card.

We walked up to the DJ afterwards to claim our prizes. The person who set up the event walked up to us and thanked us for entertaining the pool. Seriously. Then a girl came up to me and told me I was her hero.

We got our cards and continued hanging out by the pool. I found a crew of super nice gay dudes that were more than willing to fill beer bongs for races. I hung out with them for a while, bonging beer, before we finally called it a day on the pool.

We went inside and I think this is where my trouble started. Events start getting foggy around this point in time. The majority of the rest of the story was told to me the next day by my friends. It goes like this:

We went to a party at one of Ted’s friends. I had never met the guy before and I bet if I meet him again it will be the first time all over again. I met a girl at the party who had a shirt that kind of looked like a doily. Thus, she was dubbed “doily” for the rest of the night. I introduced myself and asked her if we had met before. “Maybe once or twice,” she responded. After I walked away, however, doily told my friend that she and I had met about five times. Whoops.

I was introduced to another guy at the party. “So your name is [insert name]? You wanna have a handstand contest?” He looked at me as if I had guessed the name of the street he grew up on before starting to laugh. I was making a really good impression on everyone that night.

We then left the party to meet another friend at a bar. Somehow I managed to pick a girl up immediately and hung out with her for the night. I’m really curious as to how I could have been anywhere close to smooth since I had been blacked out for a good two hours by that point.

Bar close came up and my friends were heading home. I was still talking to the girl and Ted decided that he would help me out by saying, “Alright, we’re gonna go. You two have fun,” thus basically making me go home with her. I’m guessing she and I took a taxi to her house and I’m guessing I fell asleep on her floor as soon as I got there.

This is how I ended up on a floor without knowing how it happened or where I was. Keep in mind I didn’t figure any of this out until Ted finally picked me up around noon the next day. This is also when I learned that my friend stole a Waffle House shirt from a guy. Now, when I say she stole a shirt from a guy, I don’t mean that she went into his closet and took it, or saw it lying on the floor, she walked up to him and ripped it off of his back. This is the shirt she wore when we went to Waffle House for breakfast after I got out of the mystery house.

Also, I just spoke with a friend of mine while writing this. She told me that I called her while going from the party to the bar and I told her that we were going to go swimming and that she needed to bring burritos.

When Ted and Diane (the Waffle House girl) got back to our apartment after leaving me with some girl, he realized that he didn’t have his house key. This meant only one thing: Ted had to break in. He hopped two fences and broke out the screen from a window and was inside in no time. It’s kind of scary to know how easy it is to break into our house. No more leaving the windows open when we leave.

All in all it was a pretty successful day. When I finally got home I checked my bank account on the internet. I was horrified that I had opened a tab at the bar or paid for the cab ride to the mystery girl’s house. I know I’m broke and can’t afford these things, but blackout-Josh knows nothing of the sort. Luckily, I made it through the night without spending a dime. I’m still pretty curious as to what that girl’s name is, though.

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