Saturday, August 15, 2009

I Exploded a Cockroach

One of the first things I heard before moving to Atlanta was to watch out for cockroaches. People made it seem like there were roaming packs of renegade roaches that would pounce and you and eat your eyeballs.

Luckily, this is not the case. I see cockroaches fairly frequently, but usually outside and not in large numbers. I normally see them on the sidewalk, skittering away from me like I’m the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

The apartment I live in is usually kept pretty clean and before today I had only seen one cockroach. Before today.

I saw it run towards the kitchen and immediately got tough. “Oh you little fucker,” I said, trying to intimidate the insect. I grabbed a square of paper towel as a weapon. I paused and went back for another, it could get messy.

I stood above the little guy, who was relaxing next to the wall. I looked down on him and over to the paper towel in my hand. I inspected his exoskeleton and decided a couple thin sheets of paper wouldn’t provide me with the protection I felt I deserved. I looked to my right and saw a sandal on the floor.

I grabbed it and wasted no time going after my target. It started to run so I slapped it without mercy. Once I hit it, pieces of the cockroach and various goos shot out from under the sandal. My tough demeanor immediately dissipated and I squealed like a little girl. It was disgusting. I picked up the sandal and saw the cockroach in a pile of its own innards with the nerves in one of its remaining legs twitching. It was like a scene from a horror movie.

The fact that this grossed me out is a little funny when compared to my cockroach holocaust by the pool a few weeks ago. I had been drinking and decided that I would be the savior of the pool and annihilate as many cockroaches as possible. This involved lunging handslaps from within the pool and karate chops when out of the pool.

It was a hell of a lot more gross than my encounter today, but I didn’t mind. Maybe it was the fact that it was nighttime and I didn’t see the guts and carnage my attacks brought forth. Or maybe it was the beer.

Whatever the case, that cockroach today was fucking disgusting. I don’t think I’ll go into the kitchen for a while.

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