Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I'm an idiot.

It’s not a secret. If we’ve known each other for a week you know it. If we’ve only talked a few times I may be able to fool you, but that won’t last long. Concrete evidence of this fact: I locked my keys in my car today.

I turned off my car and sat in the driver’s seat for a moment, reading a book. I showed up to an appointment early so I figured I’d kill some time.

“Hmm, this car’s a little warm. Maybe I’ll sit outside and read while I wait.”

Processing that one thought in my mind completely eliminated the fact that I hadn’t taken the keys out of the ignition. I opened the car door and stood there, with the door open, rolling up my window. This afforded me about five extra seconds to think about my keys.

It’s a little surprising that I didn’t since I have a long-standing distrust of pockets and my ability to have all necessary instruments for my day. I’m constantly patting my pocket to make sure my phone is there. Or slapping my own ass to make sure my wallet is secured. This is why I keep my keys on a clip attached to my pants. It’s not a fashion statement. It’s because I don’t trust my pockets or myself to hold onto them.

After rolling up the window I began closing the door. I thought about how I hoped it wouldn’t rain before I got home. I thought about how nice it was that it wasn’t two hundred degrees outside like it has been lately. I probably thought about a sandwich too but I definitely didn’t think about where my keys were.

Before I moved to Atlanta I worked as a pizza delivery driver. During my time at this job I grew a habit of opening my door and locking it in a continuous motion. I do it every time I open the door as a reflex since I had to do it a hundred times every shift. I guess my hands trust society less than my mind trusts pockets.

The car door closed and I immediately knew what happened. I froze. My mouth began forming curse words before I even checked my empty back pocket for my keys. I pressed my face against the window like I was trying to lick it and saw my keys dangling from the ignition.

This set off a momentary fit.

I immediately thought of the last time this happened to me. I was on a delivery for the pizza place. I had only to run up to the house and drop off some soda so I left the car running.

“This will only take a second,” I thought. “No need to even turn off the car.” However, when I stepped out, my distrustful reflex locked my door for me and I was screwed. Not only were my keys locked in, but the car was also running.

I called my roommate to bring the extra set but he was a half hour out of town. I had to wait by my car, which was parked in the middle of the road, without a hat or gloves in the middle of January in Milwaukee. I believe it was negative ten degrees Fahrenheit that day. It also didn’t help that there was a sign on top of my car that drew more attention and might as well have read, “Hey everybody! This guy here is a fucking idiot!”


I proved my stupidity today but it could have been worse. My roommate brought my keys to me with a smile on his face so I didn’t need to worry about that. At least this time I didn’t freeze my ass off while my car ran in the middle of the street.

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