Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dragon Con: A nerd's wet dream.

I only got about two blocks before my house before I realized my grave mistake.

“Shit, I forgot my camera.”

I usually don’t bother taking many pictures of my activities, even when I say to myself, “I’m gonna take some pictures today.” I really wanted that camera with me on Saturday, but, I guess not enough to walk the two blocks back to my apartment.

A camera was necessary because I knew I would be attending an event called Dragon Con. My understanding of the event was that a lot of people dressed as characters from their favorite nerdly medium would gather in a hotel and discuss who would win in a fight. Superman or Spiderman? Pokemon or Ryu? Whateverthefuck or Whoeverthefuck?


My day started as my roommate and I walked to tailgate for a college football game that we didn’t care about. We had nothing else to do so we figured we might as well try to get down on some southern barbecue. On the way there we saw a group of girls dressed as the characters from Sailor Moon, a guy dressed as Snake from Metal Gear Solid, an old flabby guy dressed as Superman, and an assortment of other weirdos.

A couple highlights from the parking lot:

The lines for the portable toilets were about as long as the horizon so we were forced to find more creative ways to relieve ourselves. I had noticed a few guys peeing on a certain truck so I figure I’d give it a little how’s-your-father. I juiced the front driver’s side wheel well without incident. Directly following me was a guy we had been hanging out with that day. A girl sitting in the bed of the truck immediately noticed him.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Get the hell outta here!”

She was about to jump down when he pinched it off and walked away. We left to find Ted who went to use the toilets. We found him spouting about how long the lines were and that he wasn’t going to wait that long.

“Hey, I just peed on that truck over there and nobody cared,” I said, only partially lying.

“Yeah, me too. Go for it,” said the guy who just got yelled at.

I waited for Ted to move into position before I walked to the back of the truck to tell the girl what Ted was up to. However, she noticed him before I had a chance to tell on him.

“What the fuck!” She jumped off of the truck but failed to remember that she had been drinking. She leapt off of the bed and slammed into the side mirror on the car next to the truck and hit the pavement like a sack of flour. “Get your piece of shit dick outta here!” she yelled as she stood up.

Just a little bit of icing on the cake: He pissed himself trying to get the hell out of there. I laughed so hard I thought I might shit my pants. But that wasn’t until later.

We left the scene of the crime and started hitting a barbecue. Ribs, beans, potato salad, among other things made my day a good deal better. We then stole drinks from another camper while pretending to be fans of whoever the hell was playing and hit the road.

We got out of the parking lot and began walking up the bridge that led over the highway. There weren’t too many people walking our way since the vast majority of them had walked towards the stadium for the game. This came in handy when I realized I had to shit.

I’m not going to go into specifics. I’ll just say that I hung out on the side of the hill in the weeds for a little bit and walked the rest of the way with one sock.

We eventually made it back downtown for the Dragon Con festivities and I immediately remembered how mad I was at myself for not remembering my camera.

We walked into the hotel and saw a huge crowd. I would say crowd of people but that is not what they would like to be called. It was a huge crowd of mutants, aliens, crime fighters, and animals. I met Wolverine and Gambit. I met a couple of dinosaurs. I met some other people that just seemed to be dressed in a strange way. I met a lot of characters that instill enough pride in grown ups to dress up like them after learning about them while kids.

Just to give you an idea of what it was like, here’s a picture I found on the internet. It’s from 2004 but it’s still pretty accurate.



After accidentally stealing a hamburger we walked out of the hotel lobby. We stood by the sidewalk and watched characters arriving and leaving while laughing really hard and masticating a deliciously free burger.

As we made our way home I almost got killed by a ninja. He was talking on his phone and his sword was unguarded. I wanted to play with it so I tried to disarm him. The ninja was probably around 110 pounds, six feet tall, and 25 years old. Needless to say, he was pretty intimidating. I grabbed his sword but failed to remove it from the sheath. He gave me a look a child would give me if I had just stabbed the Easter Bunny through the face with his father’s dismembered hand. Lesson learned: Don’t ever touch a nerd’s sword.

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