Saturday, January 16, 2010

Shut ‘em down, open up shop.

The first time we saw DMX, we were horrified. We were parking near a grocery store to enter the liquor store while he was stalking the parking lot. He was taller than us, stronger than us, and had a look on face that basically said, “Don’t FUCK with me. I will not hesitate to rip your heads off with my teeth.” The blue bandana wrapped around his head and horrible expression of anger reminded us of DMX. Therefore, his name became DMX.

We continued to have DMX sightings since, but have been able to avoid contact with him until this week. We parked at the grocery store and then noticed him patrolling the parking lot again.

“Oh shit, it’s DMX,” said Ted.

We carefully got out of the car and started power walking towards the entrance of Kroeger. He noticed us immediately.

“Oh shit! Oh hell naw!” he said. “I can’t fuck with y’all! Ya’ll some bad mother fuckers!”

We laughed and continued walking towards the store. Who knows what this man is capable of. He just might throw a car at us and take our wallets at any minute. However, he continued walking towards the store as well.

“I knew as soon as I saw you guys get out the car that you were some bad mother fuckers,” he told me as we stood side-by-side. “Hey man,” handshake, doesn’t let go, “I love y’all. Ima do something real special for y’all. How long you gonna be in there?”

“Uh, ten minutes or so.”

“Ten minutes,” still holding my hand. It was like we he was proposing to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about the man we had seen the day before at the bus stop. He had his shirt off and was maniacally scratching his shoulders and back. His skin looked dry and chalky, covered in some sort of fucked up skin irritation. As DMX held my hand, I thought about that man’s skin, and how whatever was wrong with him could be slowly transferring itself to me. “Alright, I got a surprise for y’all when you come back out. I used to do this all the time in New York. I got a surprise for you.”

We walked inside and immediately began freaking out.

“Should we tell the security guard?”

“Should we ask for an escort?”

“What the hell kind of surprise could he possibly have?”

“It’s either his dick or a gun. He is for sure going to show us either his dick or his gun.”

“He said he did it all the time in New York. Great. He’s a professional mugger.”

We gathered our items and proceeded through the checkout. We stood before the door with our bags and looked back and forth at each other.

“We should try to find a group to walk out with.”

“He’s going to show us his dick or his gun. God damn it.”

We took a deep breath and stepped outside, power-walking to the car. We both did a quick scan of the parking lot: DMX was nowhere to be seen.

“Alright, get your keys out. He could be anywhere.”

As we walked around the van that was between the car and us, we thought we were home free. As I started putting the key in the door, Ted stopped and pointed to the passenger-side door. DMX was bent over and doing something to the door. Of course, I immediately suspected he was trying to break in.

He noticed we were back and popped up with a smile on his face. “I told y’all I’d have a surprise for you. I’m almost done.”

He walked around the car to my side and I noticed he had a rag in his hand. He was wiping all the dirt off of my car. His surprise was to clean my car by the time we got out of the store. Holy shit.

As he finished up, I threw the keys to Ted to unlock his door so we could make a quick getaway if necessary. Sure, he was doing something nice and was acting nice, but these things can go sour in a second. I’ve dealt with a lot of bums and beggars. I’ve seen them get angry for no reason.

While he was wiping down the windshield, he started telling us about life. We learned his name is Andre. We learned he’s from Long Island. We learned that John Gotti was a real gangster. We learned how the drug dealers in Atlanta are doing it all wrong. We learned he was hungry for chicken.

He completed his task and we gave him a handful of change and a couple of dollars. He thanked us a billion times, gave me a fist-bump, and then another handshake that turned into us simply holding hands again. He rambled on about nothing and we eventually managed to close the car doors, which was not easy.

As we drove away, I was shaking. I was nervous the whole time we were talking to him. I didn’t think we would do anything to us but, like I said, you never know. In all, I’d say it was a successful adventure. Horrifying DMX is now in love with us and my car got its dirt pushed around for a little while.

No comments:

Post a Comment