Saturday, May 29, 2010

Is Mike Tyson retarded?

First answer is, no, of course not. He’s won over 300 million dollars. Plus, people used to call him “Kid Dynamite.” That’s awesome. Sure his voice is a little higher than a badass's voice should be, but, is he retarded?

Declared bankruptcy (even after the 300 million)? Prison time? Bit off Holyfield’s ear? Face tattoo? Threatened to eat Lenox Lewis’ children (even though he had none)?

Uhhhh, maybe.

You can make the argument that he was a professional boxer for 24 years and anybody would be retarded after getting slapped around for that long. Valid. I remember once telling my mother that I was interested in pursuing a boxing career when I was around nine years old (right after I saw my first Rocky movie). She proceeded to tell me that if you look closely during boxing matches, that you can see the brain matter that gets punched out of each boxer’s head during the match. Of course, I was horrified, so I focused on playing Mario Kart instead. All she would have had to say was, “Watch an interview with Mike Tyson," or I guess Muhammad Ali would have worked as well, "and see how awesome they sound. Still feel like getting punched in the head all day?”

This is all nothing new. However, I saw this video tonight.

Look at Tyson. He has a child’s demeanor. He’s gentle, he’s polite. There’s something about this video that just makes me want to give him a hug. And then I remember what he was like in the 80’s and I remember that I don’t want to be anywhere near him. It used to take him 30 seconds to knock out a trained fighter. Imagine what he could do to a hungover guy whose back gets sore for no reason.

I feel like I should define my usage of the word “retarded” since it has such a negative social stigma attached to it. Keep in mind, it’s not just a word assholes use to describe the mentally handicapped. It actually has a meaning.

This is the Merriam-Webster definition: “Slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress.”

Quote from Tyson speaking of his mother : “I never got a chance to talk to her or know about her. Professionally, it has no effect, but it's crushing emotionally and personally,” (read as: limited in emotional development).

I have no evidence of him being “slow or limited in intellectual…development or academic progress,” except for his own words.

Want some examples? Okay.

“My defense is impregnable.”

"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."

"He called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.” (Maybe we should file this one under, “Emotional Development.”)

I don’t want to purport the wrong idea. I love Mike Tyson. Aside from the crazy/ridiculous things I just listed, he also says awesome/ridiculous things like, "I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating." And, "I just want to conquer people and their souls."

Plus, he used to do shit like this.

It’s just that, I think he may be retarded. I’m not knocking him for that, though. Shit, if a retard can make 300 million dollars, it gives me hope to at least make over fifty grand in a year at one point in my life. It doesn’t matter if he eventually lost all of it. The same thing happened to MC Hammer, and he’s not retarded (in the literal sense). Plus, if Tyson takes offense to being called retarded, I don't want him to come looking for me.

Also, this is just hilarious.

"I broke my back."
"Uh, what do you mean by that?"
"My back is broken."
"A vertebrae, or what portion?"

Classic retarded conversation.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Leggings are not pants.

My buddy Leslie Peckham got pissed off the other day, I guess. Saw some fucker that rubbed her the wrong way so she wanted to write about it and plop it up here. Being the humanitarian that I am, I awarded her the honor of posting on this site. She should feel lucky and thank me for being so generous. But, she probably won't because she's kind of an asshole. Anyways, here's what she had to say.


There’s a nasty trend happening that I feel should be called out. I’ll allow that tapered leg and cigarette jeans in all their antiquated glory are back, I’ll even admit, I enjoy form fitting fashions as much as the next vintage hungry hipster but somewhere the line is drawn. I’m talking about leggings.

Consider the following outfit: Nike hightops, leggings, and some vintagesque shirt. The hightops and the vintage tee claim 1980’s hip hop roots but the leggings say “I was working out today”. Wrong. Maybe it was laundry day and the shredded cutoffs that you intended to add to that outfit were too sticky to be worn in public. Maybe. Or in the shifting weather of spring, you weren’t sure if you’d be too hot in your skinny jeans so you work your quietest pair of skin tights into that outfit with a blousy top and a cute pair of flats. But does that blousy top cover your ass crack? No.

Seems like it would be ok, you’re a fit young woman and your legs are viewed at their best advantage when practically naked save for the black nylon ceran wrap you put on but guess what. Leggings are not pants. They’re an accessory. Let me repeat that: Leggings are not pants, they are an accessory, meant to be worn as pants underneath short dresses and long shirts. Letting your junk hang out does not make you look cute.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Living in America

I realized that I’ve been living in this apartment for almost a year and we still haven’t put anything on the walls. Plain, white walls. Boring. So I decided to spruce the place up a bit. First purchase? Chalkboard, of course. Feel like drawing a dinosaur on the wall. Go right ahead. Awesome idea.

After buying the chalkboard, I realized I needed chalk so I drove to Target to get some. And what did I spy while walking around? The next thing to go on the wall. Goddamn old glory.

The first Rocky movie I ever watched was Rocky IV, complete with James Brown’s musical number “Living in America,” Apollo’s flag shorts, patriotic undertones, and the most inspiring speech ever (“If I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!”) And don’t even get me started on the training montage. Goddamn it Rocky is awesome.

Anyways, I bought the flag and hung it on the wall. Now various scenes from Rocky IV run through my head every time I walk into my living room. Needless to say, this might have been the best purchase I’ve made since the last time I bought Cheetos.

When I opened the package, I noticed a small insert entitled, “Our Flag – how to honor & display it.” This eight-panel pamphlet is full of random facts and rules for being a proud owner of the flag. One of the most surprising ones was the preferred method of disposing of it.

“Always dispose of a worn flag properly, preferably by burning it.”

Burning it? Really? Isn’t that what people get pissed off about? What about all those videos from the middle east where people had effigies of George Bush being hanged, automatic weapons being fired into the air, and American flags burning? Everyone was so quick to judge this as an anti-American act, but, as I have now learned, they were only disposing of the flag in the proper manner. I don’t remember the translations of their chants, but maybe they were just saying, “America is tits and this flag is unsatisfactory! Let’s go buy a new one at Wal-Mart!”

Another big one in the “Care and Respect” section of the pamphlet, says “Always treat the flag with respect. Never use it for advertising purposes.”

This has to be a joke. Either that or the companies that use the flag for advertising are actually the opposite of what they claim to be: Patriotic. If they truly were, then they would know that using the flag for advertising is against the rules.

Under the, “Displaying the Flag Properly,” section, it gives the rules for hanging the flag with other flags. Oh, sorry, “subordinate” flags.

“When the U.S. Flag is in a line among a group of subordinate flags, the U.S. Flag should be at the left of the line as seen by the observer.”

That’s right. If you’re not American, you’re subordinate. Who says Americans don’t respect other countries?

This is only a small dose of the wealth of information included within the pamphlet. There are many other rules that are simply too boring or moot to write about. My only hope is that I don’t get too drunk on July 4th and burn the fucker before I can wear it like a cape and recite the entire Rocky speech.

Friday, May 14, 2010

I'm a doctor!

Some friends of mine have a wonderful site called Doctors of Za. It's a pizza review website based in Wisconsin. Even if you've never been to the places they review or don't even plan on doing so, their articles are still funny enough to make it worth the read.

A couple weeks ago Tyler contacted me about writing a guest article for them which I gladly jumped at. An excuse to eat an entire pizza and call myself a doctor? Hell yeah. Well, it was posted today and can be found here. Check it out and then click around for a while, chances are you'll find something to laugh at.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

CBS, we ask the dumb questions

"As you know we're the only ones to put the heat on them every week."

First line in the story. Oh that's right. I forgot how health inspectors sit around and talk about cartoons while CBS news checks if people wash their hands.

God damnit.

For people not from Atlanta, the local CBS news station asks the "tough questions". Trust me, they tell you every ten seconds so it has to be true.

I watch a lot of local news, and I often get angry. However, I've never been angry enough to write an e-mail to explain how much I hate it. Keep in mind, I went to school for journalism. I hated it before I learned about it, and I hated it more when I did. Now when I see reports like this it makes me hate it even more than I thought possible.

I can't find an embed code on the CBS page so I'll just post a link here.

Watch it. Go ahead. Does it seem like bullshit? It should. And here's why.

First of all, Dickhead Adam catches the manager at lunchtime when she's busy seating tables. Is she avoiding the tough questions, or is she just doing her fucking job?

Okay, they got a bad grade on their surprise health inspection. That sucks. They should do a better job of having their employees wash their hands and have their refrigerators at the proper temperatures. Duh. Not groundbreaking news.

But CBS tries to make it seem like they're "sticking up for the little guy" and "giving a voice for the rest of us" by saying what is blatantly obvious. What's more, they are doing so in a backhanded way that vilifies the employees at said restaurant to make themselves seem righteous.

Want an example? Go to the 1:27 mark and watch how they turn the manager asking the reporter to repeat himself, freezing the screen and saying this:

"And from the look on her face, she'd probably like to wash her hands of the failing inspection."

Oh really? Because from the look on her face she probably couldn't hear the fucking question.

Editing like this pissed me off so much I had to e-mail these pricks and tell them how much I hated the segment. These are the e-mails unedited. I know I come across very unspecified in my original e-mail, but I was pissed and mind-puking my disgust. Either way, here it is.


Monday, April 19th 12:32 p.m.

I just watched your report about The Flying Biscuit on the noon broadcast. I have to say, it sucked and you suck...bad. You're "tough questions" were the equivalent of something a six year old could come up with.

"46, thats not a good score."

No shit. Great journalism.

I hate how on CBS you guys are so proud of your "tough questions" that you try to create conflict where there is none. You interviewed the manager during lunch. You asked her a question and she asked you to repeat it. You then froze the screen and focused on her facial expression like she was trying to avoid the question. You did the same thing at the start of the interview. You came in during lunch, no wonder she couldn't speak with you immediately. Restaurants get busy during lunch. Everyone knows that, it's not interesting, it's not a conflict, and this isn't journalism.

Your interview asked "Why aren't these things getting done?!?!?!" when in fact it had all been taken care of. Good work on digging up the dirt, Action Adam. I can't believe this is what you get paid for.

Josh Rank


I was happy to find a response e-mail.


April 19th 1:24 p.m.


Thank you very much for your email. I appreciate your opinion. This report was not about us trying to create conflict. Keep in mind, the FB scored 46 points and a 'U' for unsatisfactory. If they had passed their surprise inspection, we probably wouldn't be having this conversation via email and I certainly would not have had to question them regarding violations. The FB had food items at unsafe temperatures which is a serious health violation. That said, they have corrected most of their violations and we have already reported it.

As I stated in the report I am a FB fan. I have featured several great scores from multiple locations during the past seven years. I don't believe I've ever heard from you regarding the good scores we've mentioned. At any rate, thanks for watching CBS Atlanta News!

Adam Murphy
CBS Atlanta


Nice. A passive-aggressive personal shot in there? "I don't believe I've ever heard from you regarding the good scores we've mentioned." Duh. I'll get to that in my response e-mail you dick.


April 19th 3:23 p.m.

You haven't heard from about the positive scores because those reports didn't piss me off. You say the report is not about creating conflict, and, ideally it isn't. But the way you posed your questions was aggressive and, frankly, unfair to the person you were interviewing. I hope you use a little more discretion in the future and report the news, instead of trying to make it.

And just so we're clear; It's not the fact that it was the Flying Biscuit that pissed me off. It's the way the story was presented and executed.



I know, misused semicolon. Don't care.


April 19th 6:54 p.m.

Okay fair enough Josh. Thanks for your feedback!

Adam Murphy
CBS Atlanta


What a dick.

The only thing CBS Atlanta has going for it is the 4:00 broadcast. They figured out that it doesn't matter who reads the stories since none of them have any talent anyways. Might as well pack the room with a bunch of hot chicks. Example? Dagmar Midcap.

There ya go. I don't want to talk any shit on Dagmar in case she Googles herself and finds this page. If that happens, e-mail me Dagmar, we can discuss this whole debacle over coffee.