Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Living in America

I realized that I’ve been living in this apartment for almost a year and we still haven’t put anything on the walls. Plain, white walls. Boring. So I decided to spruce the place up a bit. First purchase? Chalkboard, of course. Feel like drawing a dinosaur on the wall. Go right ahead. Awesome idea.

After buying the chalkboard, I realized I needed chalk so I drove to Target to get some. And what did I spy while walking around? The next thing to go on the wall. Goddamn old glory.

The first Rocky movie I ever watched was Rocky IV, complete with James Brown’s musical number “Living in America,” Apollo’s flag shorts, patriotic undertones, and the most inspiring speech ever (“If I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!”) And don’t even get me started on the training montage. Goddamn it Rocky is awesome.

Anyways, I bought the flag and hung it on the wall. Now various scenes from Rocky IV run through my head every time I walk into my living room. Needless to say, this might have been the best purchase I’ve made since the last time I bought Cheetos.

When I opened the package, I noticed a small insert entitled, “Our Flag – how to honor & display it.” This eight-panel pamphlet is full of random facts and rules for being a proud owner of the flag. One of the most surprising ones was the preferred method of disposing of it.

“Always dispose of a worn flag properly, preferably by burning it.”

Burning it? Really? Isn’t that what people get pissed off about? What about all those videos from the middle east where people had effigies of George Bush being hanged, automatic weapons being fired into the air, and American flags burning? Everyone was so quick to judge this as an anti-American act, but, as I have now learned, they were only disposing of the flag in the proper manner. I don’t remember the translations of their chants, but maybe they were just saying, “America is tits and this flag is unsatisfactory! Let’s go buy a new one at Wal-Mart!”

Another big one in the “Care and Respect” section of the pamphlet, says “Always treat the flag with respect. Never use it for advertising purposes.”

This has to be a joke. Either that or the companies that use the flag for advertising are actually the opposite of what they claim to be: Patriotic. If they truly were, then they would know that using the flag for advertising is against the rules.

Under the, “Displaying the Flag Properly,” section, it gives the rules for hanging the flag with other flags. Oh, sorry, “subordinate” flags.

“When the U.S. Flag is in a line among a group of subordinate flags, the U.S. Flag should be at the left of the line as seen by the observer.”

That’s right. If you’re not American, you’re subordinate. Who says Americans don’t respect other countries?

This is only a small dose of the wealth of information included within the pamphlet. There are many other rules that are simply too boring or moot to write about. My only hope is that I don’t get too drunk on July 4th and burn the fucker before I can wear it like a cape and recite the entire Rocky speech.

1 comment:

  1. Great post...

    “American is tits and this flag is unsatisfactory!"