Saturday, May 29, 2010

Is Mike Tyson retarded?

First answer is, no, of course not. He’s won over 300 million dollars. Plus, people used to call him “Kid Dynamite.” That’s awesome. Sure his voice is a little higher than a badass's voice should be, but, is he retarded?

Declared bankruptcy (even after the 300 million)? Prison time? Bit off Holyfield’s ear? Face tattoo? Threatened to eat Lenox Lewis’ children (even though he had none)?

Uhhhh, maybe.

You can make the argument that he was a professional boxer for 24 years and anybody would be retarded after getting slapped around for that long. Valid. I remember once telling my mother that I was interested in pursuing a boxing career when I was around nine years old (right after I saw my first Rocky movie). She proceeded to tell me that if you look closely during boxing matches, that you can see the brain matter that gets punched out of each boxer’s head during the match. Of course, I was horrified, so I focused on playing Mario Kart instead. All she would have had to say was, “Watch an interview with Mike Tyson," or I guess Muhammad Ali would have worked as well, "and see how awesome they sound. Still feel like getting punched in the head all day?”

This is all nothing new. However, I saw this video tonight.

Look at Tyson. He has a child’s demeanor. He’s gentle, he’s polite. There’s something about this video that just makes me want to give him a hug. And then I remember what he was like in the 80’s and I remember that I don’t want to be anywhere near him. It used to take him 30 seconds to knock out a trained fighter. Imagine what he could do to a hungover guy whose back gets sore for no reason.

I feel like I should define my usage of the word “retarded” since it has such a negative social stigma attached to it. Keep in mind, it’s not just a word assholes use to describe the mentally handicapped. It actually has a meaning.

This is the Merriam-Webster definition: “Slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress.”

Quote from Tyson speaking of his mother : “I never got a chance to talk to her or know about her. Professionally, it has no effect, but it's crushing emotionally and personally,” (read as: limited in emotional development).

I have no evidence of him being “slow or limited in intellectual…development or academic progress,” except for his own words.

Want some examples? Okay.

“My defense is impregnable.”

"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."

"He called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.” (Maybe we should file this one under, “Emotional Development.”)

I don’t want to purport the wrong idea. I love Mike Tyson. Aside from the crazy/ridiculous things I just listed, he also says awesome/ridiculous things like, "I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating." And, "I just want to conquer people and their souls."

Plus, he used to do shit like this.

It’s just that, I think he may be retarded. I’m not knocking him for that, though. Shit, if a retard can make 300 million dollars, it gives me hope to at least make over fifty grand in a year at one point in my life. It doesn’t matter if he eventually lost all of it. The same thing happened to MC Hammer, and he’s not retarded (in the literal sense). Plus, if Tyson takes offense to being called retarded, I don't want him to come looking for me.

Also, this is just hilarious.

"I broke my back."
"Uh, what do you mean by that?"
"My back is broken."
"A vertebrae, or what portion?"

Classic retarded conversation.


  1. Of course he's retarded

  2. "Mentally retarded" isn't a term "assholes" use to describe the mentally handicapped. It's a medical term stemming from a diagnosis of mental retardation. It's used by people who prefer to use actual terms in lieu of feel good pc words and phrases created by pussies.

    1. Yes!!! What this^ individual just said is pure gold! Thank you for firmly reaffirming this fact! Political "correctness" will never nullify true terminology.