Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Things learned.

A big motivating factor for moving across the country was to see/learn new things. A good way to do this is to meet new people and put yourself into situations you haven’t been in before. This has all been fully accomplished simply by finding the job I have had since January. Not only have I learned a lot more about the city of Atlanta, including many fancy shortcuts, where the hell everything is, and where the hell to stay away from at all costs, but I’ve also learned a lot more about life from my co-workers. Not that I’ve learned the meaning of life from them, but definitely a different perspective.

One of the favorite topics of conversations is women, during which I learn stuff like this:

1. Don’t fuck with no women who ain’t got no money. They’ll eat up all your food while you’re at work and leave your lights on all day.
2. When you slap her on the ass while hittin’ that shit from behind, spread your fingers so if she bangs someone later that day, he’ll still see a perfect outline of the handprint and he’ll know someone’s already been there.
3. Be sure to wrap it up with the pretty ones. They’re the ones with all kinds of diseases you ain’t never heard of ‘cause they get banged the most. The ugly ones you don’t have to worry about.
4. If you’re gonna beat your woman, make sure you get drunk first. Also, it’s better to do it while you’re in college, because you can get away with that shit in college.

I also get to learn new slang, including:

Smash: (verb) – To have sexual intercourse with. Ex: “She was giving me the eye, you know I’m gonna smash that ho.

BWM: (acronym) – Body Made Wrong. Ex: “Her belly stuck out further than her titties. Now that’s a BMW.”

I'll holla at ya: (interjection) - An expression used at parting. Syn: Goodbye

Butterhead: (adjective) – A woman that has a nice body but an unattractive face. I.e. Everything looks good “but her head.” (Also known as a Butterface)

What it do: (interjection) - Used to express a greeting. Syn: Hello

Stupid Booty: (adjective) – A booty that, while being sufficiently fat, is undesirable due to shape, curvature, or lift. Ex: “She got a stupid booty.”

Who: (pronoun) - Although conventionally used for requesting information regarding a person, also used in any situation where information is needed. Ex: "Meet me at 7 o'clock." "Who?" "Seven." "Oh, okay."

Miscellaneous things learned:

1. How to shoot craps.
2. If someone asks for your shoes in jail, it’s best to simply give them away because you’re going to lose them regardless.
3. A large percentage of nurses are assholes.
4. An overwhelming percentage of guards at the jail are assholes.
5. Hopping fences leads to holes in your pants. It doesn’t matter how old you are.

I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot of things right now, but that’s okay. I have a feeling there will be many more entries about work since it’s basically taken over my life lately.

Friday, July 2, 2010

20 million is a lot of dollars

Jaycee Dugard just got awarded 20 million dollars for her ordeal. “What is the ordeal?” you may be asking. Oh nothing big, just KIPNAPPED when she was 11 and held hostage for 18 years while being RAPED and having TWO kids during this time. No big deal? Yeah right. That’s fucked up.

When I first saw this story I was like, “Well, yup, that’s seems about right.” But I was thinking as 20 million as an abstract number. Just something we say like “Dude, I just ate a gazillion sandwiches!” You didn’t really eat a gazillion sandwiches because that’s not a word and you were exaggerating.

All large numbers have become this to me. Six million Jews were killed in the Holocaust. “Okay, that’s a really big number,” and that’s as far as I think about it. When you realize how large of a number 6 million is, you’re like “holy fuck.” Six million. That’s enormous.

When I thought further into the story of Jaycee Dugard, I realized that 20 million is a lot of dollars. Too many dollars. She’ll never have to work again. Not only that, she'll have enough money to buy an island, blow it up, and hang out in arcades and bars until the day she dies. It’s forever fun. I know, after 18 years of being raped, she’s probably going to have a few psychological issues. So her days might not be all fun, but that’s up to her.

So, 20 million dollars is a shit-ton of money and she gets all of it forever. Now, when comparing this, again, with the Holocaust, that’s a little fucked up. Think of all the money every Holocaust survivor got from their suffering. I bet it doesn’t equal 20 million dollars each. Okay, so Holocaust survivors had to have a maximum of about five years of hell. Dugard had 18. So maybe we should divide it by the difference. But no, that’s not even, because Dugard had food the whole time. I think that may even it up for the Holocaust, should probably even throw another few years onto Dugard.

But also, a thing called “inflation” comes to mind. I don’t have any idea how it works*, but I think the result is something along the lines of “Everything gets more expensive as the world gets older.” Sure, Holocaust survivors didn’t get 20 million each, but that’s just because one dollar could buy you two cars and half a boat back then. Things have changed.

Okay, nevermind. Maybe I was wrong to think 20 million dollars is too much to give one person. I guess what she went through is worse than the Holocaust.

*This is how I think it works: Everything is cool now and everything sucked then. Our new shit should be more expensive. How would you like to sit around with two channels, no remote control, and a fucking antennae that barely works? Sure, fifty cents for a ladder but it’ll fall over and drop you head-first onto the concrete if you sneeze.

But the fucked up part is that, now, all that old shit that used to cost a dollar now would cost twenty because it’s “vintage” and “collectible”. Shit, that shoots a hole right through that argument.