Saturday, April 23, 2011

Fuck the Postal Service

Not the band. I have no problem with them. I’m talking about the “Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow” assholes that only seem to be capable of bringing bad news. The only things I ever get from them are bills, unsolicited advertisements, or notices from my bank that could easily come to my attention by e-mail. “Did you know that if you open an account with a balance of $1,000, we’ll give you a coupon for a car wash?” Fuck you bank, I don’t care. I have bums take care of that for me.

I don’t receive letters (maybe once in a while), I don’t receive checks (besides the tax refund I just got), and I don’t receive toys/candy/beer EVER by mail. So what is the United States Postal Service good for? Turns out, nothing.

What’s the Postal Service’s job? To bring shit from here to there. Or from there to here. All you have to do is read the thing where it says, “Bring it to this exact location. Here’s some specific numbers to guide you,” and bring it there. That’s it. I’ve been a delivery driver for a while, and it’s basically the same thing. It’s simple. I’ve worked with some really stupid people, and even they were able to get it right. A person who doesn’t speak English or know the arrangement of roads could do it. Get a GPS, and match the numbers and letters one-by-one if you have to. Easy.

I recently decided to splurge and buy myself three Elliott Smith records (XO, Figure 8, and New Moon). Now when I say records, I mean the black things that spin in a circle with a tiny needle scraping off the music (that’s how it works, right?). They’re not small. They’re not something that could fall behind a lamp and be lost forever. If you had weak fingers, it would take two hands to hold them. Point being, they’re hard to lose.

Two records came in one package which had a tracking number. It lets you know where it checks in during its journey from one side of the country to the other until BOOM it’s delivered to your house. Ideally. It even tells you the exact time the package was delivered. The package with a tracking number says it was delivered to my house on April 6th at 3:38 p.m. The funny thing about that is, I was at my house at that time and I got like no fucking package.

Keep in mind, there is another record of mine without a tracking number floating around somewhere out there in the black hole of the Postal Service. Who the fuck knows where that one is, though.

I called the post office with the tracking number for the first package and they said it was in the leasing office. So I went there and found out that they also got like no fucking package. I call them back, they say they’ll look into it and call me back. They don’t. I call them back and bitch and bitch and they give me another number to call which I do and they say they’ll call me back. They don’t. I call them back and bitch and bitch and they say they’ll make a quick phone call and call me right back. They don’t. I call back and the office is closed and I’m PISSED. Next morning, I wake up and call and bitch and bitch and bitch and bitch. They tell me they’ll call me back and I tell them to go fuck themselves, I’m not hanging up.

They set up a little conference call with the local post office, myself, and the person who’s supposed to be helping me. They say all the same shit they had said all along and eventually tell me that the postal carrier is in the room if I would like to speak with her.


“You’re my postal carrier?”


“Did you scan my package as delivered?”

“No. I was off that day.”

“Then why the hell am I talking to you?”

“I don’t know.”

Goddamn it. She gets off and I go back to bitching like crazy until they let it slip that the person who was actually working that day is there.

“Put her on the phone.”

I don’t know why, but they do it.

“Did you scan the package as delivered?”

“If it says it was delivered, then yes I did.”

“Then where the hell is it?”

“If I delivered it, I put a note in your mailbox.”

“There was no note.”

“Well, I always put a note in the mailbox.”

“Well, you didn’t put a note in the mailbox.”

“I always do.”

“Did you put it in the right mailbox?”

“Excuse me?”

“Do you know how numbers work?”

I guess she got offended because she put the phone down and walked away. After this, the person at the post office said she was busy and hung up. Now I’m just left with the original woman that has no idea how to make outgoing phone calls.

“Well, it looks like it’s lost.”

“Excuse me? There’s nothing we can do?”

“No. Sorry.”

Apparently, using the United States Postal Service is a gamble. Sometimes they’ll do their job, and if they decide not to, then you’re shit out of luck. Sorry. It’s understandable though, addresses are really hard to understand sometimes. I mean, the street name only matches the street you live on every time, and the address where you live is exclusive to only you so it’s easy to get it mixed up with somebody else.

Those fucking mother fuckers not only cost me about $75, but they robbed me the joy of opening a package to find something I really like. That’s like going into a family’s house on Christmas morning before the kid wakes up, but you have to go in right before he gets up because you want him to hear the parents stuffing the presents underneath the tree the night before so he knows he’s getting a bunch of sweet shit, then before the kid gets up, you take all the presents out to the front yard, cover them in gasoline, and light them on fire. So not only did the USPS cost me $75, but they also cost me a Christmas morning in April.

The USPS hates Jesus and Capitalism.

I can’t wait until I see the fill-in mail carrier bitch around the apartment complex. I’m usually walking my dog at the time they come and have a bag of poop in my hand. She might not know where my records are (or maybe she stole them that fucking bitch) but she’ll definitely know that she fucked up when there is poop all over her windshield and car seat.


  1. Seriously, fuck them. And fuck you.

  2. Yeah
    they are always screwing my stuff up and your right trying to get any recourse
    (its like they make all the employees take a course to act like fuckheads)
    Its our money that sends these packages that actually pays you, so do your fucking job!!!!
    postal delivery people actually get paid well, so what is the problem here?
    package tracking is a joke and is never right
    takes 6-7 days to make a 500 mile trip???
    I hate the postal service!

  3. I like being able to get my car tags in the mail rather than standing in line at the DMV. That's one thing I like about them anyway.

  4. Privatetize the postal service PEROD

  5. Man fuck the post office, I'm happy they're losing their jobs. Hopefully, they fire ALL the fuckers and hire a whole new staff. How the fuck is not a backup to tracking numbers? Like honestly, you pay for a fucking tracking number and the put it on the recipt and that's it? You don't register the name under the number? so if i lose the recipt that's it? FUCK THE POST OFFICE

  6. Yhea1 Fuck the postal office! Im from Israel, and the same exact thing happened to me. FUCK THE POSTAL OFFICE!

  7. The only thing I ever got from the Postal Service, was herpes.

  8. I think getting revenge against the USPS using their own greed and stupidity is the way to go! I work with a guy who was a second shift supervisor at a USPS facility. He informed that mail theft there was rampant. This is great! Now, we all have friends in other towns or locally. You put together a small box package (containing say a rock). Make sure its sealed up very good with several layers of tape so its hard to open. Mark the box valuable, fragile...or maybe the word jewelery. Go to the post office and have it insured for some large amount, getting tracking and the whole nine yards. Send it to your friend. Now somewhere in the process the greedy USPS worker will steal the package...they will not be able to help themselves. You file a claim, of course they say it was signed for by the reciever. They will be surprised when both you and the reciever show up at the office. This forces them to pay off. Use their own nonsense against them. It's all legal. I figure if enough people do this we can all regain some of our losses at the hands of these rip off artist called the USPS

  9. I have to agree. They scanned a package as "delivered" and it was never in my mail box. It took almost two weeks of phone calls and I finally got the supervisor who was supposed to "follow up within 24 hours" and she basically told me I was out of luck because it wasn't insured. Yes, the Postal Service is a major #@$!~! up for sure. And you know what? They know it. You know it. And they do NOT CARE ONE BIT!

  10. maybe some shitty neighbor of yours who hates you for your loud mouth stole your package...... every think of that?

    1. You are a dumbshit.

  11. Something like this has just happened to me.... Except it was $500!!!!!!!! Well actually $600 if you count the little parts! I will NEVER ship USPS again! I have had the "delivered package" thing happen too, then the next day it showed>.... Still waiting on my package to arrive!!!!! MF....

  12. fuck the USPS indeed. everytime i go in there they are sitting back literally insulting people 3 feet away as if they cant hear, and if you go in to ship packages they act like theyre doing you a favor and bitch and moooan "you know you can like print labels and drop them in boxes so you dont have to come in here right?" Excuse me? You know I can shove my foot in your cunt you fat little ugly dyke? Fuck the postal service, they've marked shit as delivered before when it wasnt, theyve marked things as delivered then delivered it a week later. They're slow, stupid, and unionized so they're practically communists. They will refuse to deliver for ANYTHIIIING. A dog barked inside a house, I got scared so I didn't deliver. Seriously? Kill yourselves.

  13. This same shit just happened to me over christmas! Still on going actually. I mailed a xmas package to my 84 year old mother in florida. Dropped off at post office in california on friday, 1 week before xmas. Package then went to the now infamous sorting hub in Bell Gardens (used to be called Bell but the city decided to change the name after a huge corruption scandal a couple years ago) where it was marked as "Departed - In Transit" 2 days later - already a bad sign! Then, for an entire week and one day, it's status remained as "In Transit". Numerous calls all that week got me absolutely no additional info. Finally, this morning, it is marked "Arrived at Post Office - Oviedo, FL" with Scheduled Delivery as Tomorrow (Tuesday) !!! So just 3 days short of 2 weeks! USPS absolutely sucks! I have called my mother 3 times to assure her that her Xmas Peanut Brittle and other family gifts are definitely on their way and that I am not an incompetent, uncaring son. I know exactly what happened to this package. The toothless, jerry springer watching, beer drinking, NASCAR loving ignorant moron truck driver that lives in mississipi, decided to stop at his fat ugly girlfriends house over xmas and FUCK the shit out of her on his way driving my package to Florida!!!!!!!!! Why the USPS hires these pathetic scum loser people is beyond me! To hell with the USPS. I hope the government shuts them down real soon!!

    1. You are a dumbass

    2. Quit calling everyone a dumbass. You're a FUCKING LOSER.

    3. fuck the postman

  14. You are a dumbass

  15. I completely agree. USPS sucks! My package is coming from New Jersey to me in Florida. I 'tracked' my package (yeah right, I bet it's not even accurate) and it says that it arrives at the sorting facility in Orlando (which is 4 hours away from me by the way) then the next day I checked again and it said it was delivered to the sorting facility in Jacksonville! That's the opposite direction of where I live! So it went backwards, further away. All I can say is...WHAT THE FUCK?!

  16. Why do you still use the USPS? I didn't know anyone did that anymore.

  17. I hate the fucking USPS. Fire all of them fuckers and have Fed Ex, UPS, etc. take over.

    No more bullshit 'bulk mail'. No more bullshit tracking service. No more bullshit excuses when they send you a delivered notice...but not really.

    Had something shipped overnight....four days later guess what I don't have. Exactly.

    Literally one of the most worthless organizations around. Oh, Did i say FUCK THE USPS?

  18. Fuck the USPS, for sure! I'm trying to enter a "Change of Address" form over the internet (as they insist I do, despite I prefer not to), and yet as the website insists on charging my credit-card $1, to "verify" my identity, the website then refused to accept my going to the "NEXT" page,... and blah, blah, blah! Simply put, USPS sucks nowadays! (BTW,... I used to work in a shipping dept; sending and receiving numerous packages/day; we had all kinds of problems, there, too! "Lost" packages were never found/recovered, "Next Day" deliveries showed up late, and the list goes on - and on!)

  19. I agree, FUCK the USPS. For an agency that has been around this long, they should have their shit figured out by now, I shipped something to my place of business, and they said the address could not be found. WHAT THE FUCK. Shit gets delivered here every fucking day you stupid CUNTS! I call the USPS office, and they said the driver could not find the address. I go outside, look on the building, not only does it say the name of the business it BRIGHT, BOLD, RED, LETTERS,, The name of the business is right fucking there, IT BRIGHT BOLD RED LETTERS. I hate the USPS with a passion. All in all, FUCK you USPS, you are a worthless piece of SHIT. Your employees are unhelpful CUNTS!

    1. shit, just informed the USPS does not deliver to our address.....OOPS!. Still, FUCK you USPS, I hate you, I hate the post office, CUNTS CUNTS CUNTS!

    2. again, I may have been mistaken, but still, I really hate the USPS!

    3. I can see it now..
      justice league meeting…
      batman, superman, frying pan man, wonderwoman, skeet man,
      batman: where is Aquaman?
      superman hears pphffp, pffhp, phfffffph noise from bathroom…
      batman opens door…
      aquaman is fucking a fish….
      everyone looks at skeetman,
      wonderwoman: why is the tub full of skeet?
      everyone looks at skeetman
      skeetman: what?
      Aquaman finishes with the fish
      Aquaman jumps in tub and starts swimming
      Aquaman: makes my skin so soft!

  20. Lazy useless organization that has had to borrow past its chartered funding limit for like the last ten years. They live off of the bulk mail no one wants and their only passable "reason" to exist is serving remote areas. I use them twice a year... Maybe recently i had an issue with them and finally said no.. i dont want your fucking mail anymore. Worthless waste of tax money.