Journey sucks.

A few years ago (and when I say a few, I actually mean somewhere around six) some friends of mine and I got into a pretty heated debate.  It’s a simple question with a simple answer:  Who’s better, Boston or Journey?  The answer, of course, is Boston.  “Hey Josh, Boston only had one good album!”  You’re right.  But that album is fucking awesome.  And don’t tell me that “More Than a Feeling” is played out because that’s not even close to the best part of their self-titled debut album.  Find something as kickass as the high notes in “Rock & Roll Band” at the “Signed a record company contract!” part, and then we can talk. 

But Boston’s kickassity notwithstanding, Journey sucks.  They suck.  Sorry.  You may think you like them, but that’s only because you’ve liked them in an ironic way for so long that you bought into your own bullshit and can’t even remember who you are or what you actually like anymore.  Everyone says they “love” Journey, which is fucking ridiculous.  How many times have you been at a bar/party and “Don’t Stop Believing” comes on, leading to everyone screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs?  Most likely a bunch unless you sit at home and suck all the time.  Everyone smiles beneath their backwards baseball hats and says, “Shit, man!  I love this song!”

But you don’t.  You don’t love that song.  If are you one of those people who says they like Journey in situations like this, ask yourself this question:  When was the last time you were driving in your car, flipping through your ipod (or CD case, depending on where you are in portable, musical technology) and said to yourself, “Y’know?  I really feel like jammin’ on some Journey.”  Of course there will be exceptions, but I’m willing to bet my balls that 95% of you never say this.  Never even think it.  You know why?  Because Journey sucks and you don’t actually like them.

Their songs sound like what I imagine a 12-year-old girl’s diary would sound like if the words were converted to musical notes.  Steve Perry looks like a guy that would stand outside of an arcade and try to hit on overweight, single moms (because, let’s be honest, they’re the easiest ones to get).  Plus, they made this video.  Now, I bet a lot of people would see that and say, “Dude!  That’s video’s awesome!  LOLZ!!!”  But they’re wrong.  This video sucks.  I don’t care that it was one of the first music videos.  They look like idiots.  You can’t argue with that.

I’m going to give a pass to anyone born before 1970 because that would put you at eleven-years-old when “Escape” came out, and therefore affords you the possibility of having sentimental attachments to these songs.  Anyone born after 1970 is full of shit.  And people born in the 80’s can seriously go fuck themselves. 

It’s funny to say you like Journey, just like it’s funny to say you like to eat black licorice, wear t-shirts with shitty slogans, and ice your bros.  The thing is, no one actually likes that shit, and if they do, they shouldn’t.  Why?  Because all of that shit is stupid.  Listen to Journey's music without thinking of impressing the guy with the tribal sleeve or the girl in the tank top with the flower between her back-fat flanks next Wednesday at karaoke.  It’s horseshit.  It doesn’t “rock,” it doesn’t “wail,” they don’t “shred,” and it certainly isn’t good.  If I see you at a bar and you try to blast anything with Steve Perry’s voice shitting all over the place, I’ll simply turn the jukebox down (a bartender showed me how to do it) and softly hum “Master of Puppets” to myself while you forget what just happened.