Thursday, September 29, 2011

Bums are Communists.

I walked to the store today to buy frozen fruit and Ramen noodles.  I figured if I was going to destroy my body with an atomic bomb of sodium, I might as well try to convince myself that I’m doing something good for it by equaling it out with nature’s dessert.  After gathering my foodstuffs, I bought a pack of cigarettes and two scratch-off lottery tickets.  I feel like my hopes of making myself rich are basically infected with terminal cancer, so I have nothing to rely on but blind luck.

I walked into the sun, opened my cigarettes, and sauntered down the road.  I remembered about fifty steps in why I decided it would be a good idea to wait to smoke before passing the park.  The reason being a large pack of bums that absolutely love that park.  Why else would they hang out there in packs at all hours of the night?  

I had headphones on, but my sonic-shield was invisible to them.

“Excuse me.  Sir?  Sir?”  The original politeness of a bum is always highlighted by the stark contrast that follows a refusal of their request.

I continued walking, because fuck that guy.

“Sir!  Hey!”

I turned around.

“Lemme have that smoke.”


“Gimme that smoke.”  He pointed to make sure I didn’t think he was talking about something else.

I looked him directly in the eyes and said, “No.”

“Then just gimme a hit.”

Of course, this was followed by a, “No.”  But what balls by this guy.  That’s an amazing backwards rendition of the foot-in-the-door technique.  Why would anybody first refuse a man with half of his teeth and dried spit surrounding his mouth feel totally okay with giving this man the opportunity to touch his mouth to something that will soon be in your own mouth.  The leap from a simple gesture to such an extreme opposite is astounding.  That’s like asking someone for a kiss, and then upon refusal asking for hardcore, unprotected, unlubricated anal sex.  Quite a bold move.

I deal with this shit all the time.  I’m amazed that the tires on my car aren’t slashed daily.  Because of my work, a large amount of homeless people know who I am and what I drive.  Many of these same people have a poor view of me due to me telling them to go fuck themselves frequently. 

At one point they made me disappointed in society and in the way we cast aside people when they need our help the most.  Although that feeling hasn’t completely left me, it has definitely been drowned out by pure annoyance and apathy.

“Hey, I don’t have any shit.  Can I have your shit?”  Or often more accurately, “Give me your shit.”

I always wondered why they felt so entitled to things that I have worked for.  I just had to drive ten miles to get a two dollar tip, and now you want me to give you three bucks?  Go fuck yourself.

As I walked away from the guy that basically wanted to lick the lollipop I was eating, I realized why many homeless people act that way.  They’re communists. 

Communism is all about spreading around wealth so everybody gets an equal share of the surplus.  Homeless people happen to be on the lower end of the spectrum of owning shit, so they are entitled to some shit.  You happen to be walking past at the time, so they ask you for your shit.  Makes sense.

Communism isn’t endemic to the homeless population, but the slice of the pie graph of members of the Communist Party seems to have its largest slice labeled, “Homeless.”  Rich people can be communists, too.  This is just more rare.  Bill and Melinda Gates vowed to donate ninety percent of their earnings to charity.  They are simply mirror images of homeless people.  They are the same, but just working in the opposite direction.

I don’t believe this realization will convince me to be more giving to the communistic poor.  I understand their plight and point of view now.  But I don’t share their point of view.  I understand why people are Jewish, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to recite a piyyuttim at the service on Rosh Hashanah.  They’re communists, and I’m not.  So I don’t need to give them shit.

1 comment:

  1. Josh, you are hilarious. I love reading your blogs.
    - Rachel