Saturday, January 28, 2012

Bill Clinton is Awesome

If you don’t think William Jefferson Clinton, our great nation’s 42nd president, is awesome than you’re an idiot, a loser, or a combination of the two.  It’s not just because he won two presidential elections in a row (the first Democratic President to be elected more than once since FDR), introduced clauses to help American workers before signing NAFTA, and helped the economy flourish, but because he did so with so much fucking style.

He played sax on Arsenio Hall, he admitted to smoking weed (no one bought the “I didn’t inhale” bullshit), and he campaigned on MTV.  After staring at George Bush (the first one) for four years and Ronald Reagan for eight years before that, the country needed something other than a mummified librarian that would break if pushed over running our country.  Actually, we all know that the president is little more than a figurehead that puts a smiling face on our inefficient government, so instead of running the country, I’ll say “simultaneously accepting the credit and blame for our country.”  Aside from all of that, check this guy out.

Before he graced our country with his omnipotent leadership, he was the governor of Arkansas.  Now, I feel like Arkansas is probably one of the easier states in which to become governor, but it’s still a good resume builder. 

His accomplishments during his presidency are numerous and thoroughly covered on sites that actually do research on their subject, so I won’t cover that ground here.  I’ll just stick to what everybody thinks of immediately when thinking about Clinton’s presidency:  The sexual scandals.

It happened to Herman Caine.  It happened to Anthony Weiner.  It happened to Eliot Spitzer.  And it happened to Bill Clinton.  People just love to come out of nowhere and accuse politicians of lewd conduct and sexual harassment.  Especially people that experienced lewd conduct and sexual harassment from politicians.  I don’t know what their motivation is.  I think it’s just jealousy that the politician won the breakup by becoming more successful.  Or maybe it’s the chance to get on TV, the possible multi-million dollar lawsuit, the aversion to marital infidelity, or a general dislike of the person that did the harassing.  It could be anything.

Aside from the personal ramifications of what happened with Clinton, he almost lost his fucking job.  This is when we learned how awesome Bill Clinton actually is.  During a four-hour testimony in front of the Federal Grand Jury, he busted out some great anecdotes including:

“That depends on what the meaning of the words ‘is’ is.” 

"There were a lot of times when we were alone, but I never really thought we were."

"[I said] things that were true about this relationship.  That I used, in the language I used, I said, there’s nothing going on between us.  That was true.  I said I did not have sex with her as I defined it.  That was true.”

When you boil the whole impeachment stuff down, it’s really quite ridiculous.  First of all, Newt Gingrich was the one leading the charge against Clinton.  He was all worked up because he can’t stand the idea of someone screwing around with a marriage (who dumped his first wife who had cancer, cheated on and dumped his second wife, and then there’s the whole open-marriage thing…).  Sure, you can say the impeachment was because he lied under oath and blah blah blah…  But essentially, all he did was finger a fat chick and then lie about it.  That’s why it’s all so ridiculous, because his actions are perfectly understandable.

Beyond having not-literally-sex with ugly chicks during his years in office, he continues to kick ass.  Remember when he went into North Korea, an entire country brainwashed into hating Americans and everything we stand for, and walked out with two journalists that were held captive?  That’s basically some superhero shit.

Before our country elected our first black president (or Muslim president, or immigrant president, or Martian president, whatever the hell he is) we had a small chance of electing Hillary Clinton.  Now, we can all make the easy jokes about having a woman president (they’d bomb innocent countries every month for one week, they’d control the largest army in the world but would need help to kill a spider, etc.) and you can even make all the jokes about Hillary herself (that she wears pantsuits like she is sponsored by whoever-the-hell makes pantsuits, that her eyes look like they’re going to burst out of her head at times, that she seems like a raging bitch) but the simple fact remains:  If she were elected, Bill would have been back in the White House and back into our everyday lives.  That would have been kick ass.  And I won’t listen to anybody that tells me Bill wouldn’t have had a say in her presidential decisions.  He admitted to the entire country that he cheated on her, twice, and they’re still married.  It’s pretty obvious who wears the pants (pantsuits not included) in that relationship.

I mean, look at his presidency and tell me she’d have any reason to think her opinions would be better than his.  By the end of his second term, the national budget had a surplus of $236 billion.  SURPLUS.  Also, he had the highest end-of-office approval rating since WWII.  And everybody knows that people get all hot and bothered for America during times of war, so these ratings scales are slightly skewed.  If we put every president on a stage and had a popularity contest, Clinton would take first prize every time.  Who’s gonna beat him?  JFK?  They’d be pretty close until Clinton busts out his saxophone during the talent contest.  Game over.



  2. Wait a minute, he LIED UNDER OATH. He lied about something as simple as a RELATIONSHIP! If he lied under oath, what smaller lies has he made? And you shouldn't concern yourself about him being on "MTV". You should concern yourself on his policies! Not all of them were good!

  3. When he lied, nobody died. The atrocities of the G.W. Bush administration are much more severe.