Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I like the replacement referees

I’ve always said that the Pro Bowl should be played like a video game.  It’s not like it’s ever a good game anyways, why not make it fun?  They should have a giant Madden tournament or something and have the two finalists play the Pro Bowl.  And by “play,” I mean they should get to call every play for the game.  You’d be getting onside kicks, teams going for it on fourth and twenty, fake field goals, hail mary passes on second down, and ten-man blitzes throughout the whole game.  Wouldn’t that be a lot of fun to watch?

But this will never happen.  The NFL would never turn their sport into a real-life version of a video game.  And it is for this reason that I am enjoying the referee strike and the resulting atrocious calls made by the replacement referees.  It’s almost like each team has a certain amount of cheats they can use throughout the game and, frankly, it adds a new level of tension and excitement to the game.  We’ve been watching football forever, and it’s getting a little redundant.  But have you ever seen a player getting called for pass interference without even touching their opponent?  Well, now you have.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Standing In the Crowd

There are a few things I’ve never understood about people’s behavior at concerts, such as how do you expect to carry three cups of beer through a tight crowd and still expect them to be full when you finally find your friends?  But aside from the casual stupidity of our species, there seems to be a larger set of problems that basically boils down to one thing:  People at concerts are selfish.

Friday, September 7, 2012


People lie to you, things sometimes end up not being what they seem, weather forecasts can be the complete opposite of what actually happens, but there are some things that are constant throughout your life.  The sun will burn you, Doritos are delicious, and the Earth will always be solid beneath your feet.  Last night, however, one of these universal, irrevocable truths fell prey to the plasticity of the universe:  I felt my first earthquake.

I grew up in Wisconsin where earthquakes were as threatening as volcanoes and dinosaurs.  I took a geology class in college where I learned about earthquakes and my teacher told us that “the big one” is, in fact, real and that it will, in fact, happen at some point.  She said something along the lines of, “People that live near the fault line are foolish, because the earthquake will hit and it will be very big.”

So here I am, nestled comfortably between the San AndreasFault and the ocean, basically asking to be severed from the continental United States and float into the Pacific Ocean towards the trash islands and sea monsters.  Every time I ride the subway or drive on an overpass, images of the 1994 earthquake flash through my head.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Old People Driving

Picture this:  You drive up to a red light and patiently wait for it to turn green.  A minute later, the light changes and you continue to sit.  Half of the light goes by before the car in front of you begins to slowly roll into the intersection.  You swear to yourself and drive around the person, making sure to look into their window as you pass.

I’m sure this has happened to you a million times, and about 80% of those instances you saw some old fuck that doesn’t look like she knows what planet she’s on clutching the steering wheel for dear life.

I’m also sure that you’ve seen a story on the news, like this one or this one or this one or this one, where some old fuck just drives into a building, taking out a wall and sometimes running somebody over because their old bodies and brains just went, “Whoops!” and they forgot how their car worked. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

FYF Fest 2012 Review

I went to FYF Fest this weekend and wrote a review of it for  It was supposed to be split into two parts, one for each day, but they put it all on one giant post.  Got some time to kill?  Here ya go.  Don't worry, nobody proofread it.

Picking off Politics

Election years are awful.  Statistically, these are the years we are lied to on the most consistent basis (it’s true, look it up on…the internet).  Everywhere you look, someone is yelling about something that they believe to be the 100% only way to do something at someone who believes the exact opposite.  Commercials are calling people assholes, billboards have dead fetuses condemning policies, and everything kind of seems like when Rowdy Roddy Piper puts on the sunglasses in They Live Every four years.  And it’s not like it lasts for a month.  This shit goes on for a year.