Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Garth Brooks is Hard as Fuck

It may surprise some people to know I’m a fan of Garth Brooks.  Not that I’ve ever hid the fact, it’s just that my intense disdain for almost all of this shit people call “Country Music” may dissuade some from thinking so.  But, in fact, I do like some country music.  Basically nothing past 1995 or so, though.  Everything you kids are listening to right now sucks.  With a capital sucks.  It’s all dumbed-down manufactured crap that is written to appeal to the lowest common denominator so it doesn’t alienate anyone.  The line between pop and country has basically been demolished (thanks a lot, Shania) and now all you have to do is pop on a big hat, add a little southern twang and boom, possible pop star becomes a country star.

Now, I’m not going to go back and defend all of the older stuff I enjoy, I’m going to stick with Garth Brooks because that’s what I listened to growing up and when I recently went back and listened to it again, I realize how bad-fucking-ass he is.  The thing I’ve come to appreciate is the way he would often simply tell a story throughout a song, complete with characters, plot arc, progression, and sometimes a twist ending.  People might lump him in with the rest of the moist-eyed, my-lady-done-left-me-and-my-dog-died country artists, but that’s bullshit because his songs had some dark shit going on.

I’m not going to even get into the kick ass melodies and whatnot, let’s just stick with the lyrics.  Now, he didn’t always pen the entire song himself, but he at least helped out and that’s okay with me.  This might seem a little hypocritical given my previously-stated stance on Elvis Presley, but I don’t care.  Want some examples of Brooks’ awesomeness?  Okay, here you go.

(Let's get this out of the way:  For some reason, Garth Brooks is hard to find on youtube, so we're going to have to do some things we don't want to like listening to that shitty cover on the other side of the above link.)

Domestic violence is something that Brooks seemed to be enamored with.  This song follows a couple that bang in a car.  However, both of them are married to somebody else.  The guilt of this leads the chick to gulp down a handful of pills leading to her death.  Yikes!  But then at the end, he alludes to the possibility that she was murdered.  Holy shit!  Was it the husband?  Was it the other dude?  Whadda fock!

(That video is probably cooler than a live version of the song.)

Garth gets tired of his old man’s shit and decides he’s going to teach him a lesson by taking him out back and beating the shit out of him.  That seems logical, right?  Isn’t that how healthy families work out their problems?  Well, jokes on you, asshole, because his dad beats the piss out of him.  However, after the presumably noisy bout of domestic abuse, Garth realizes that his Dad feels bad for beating the hell out of him just like how he consistently beats the hell out of his other sons.  What’s the lesson here?  That’s it’s totally okay to beat your kids as long as you can manipulate them into thinking that he “had to do it” and that he only punched you in the face over and over because deep down, he simply loves you. 


No physical violence against the family in this one, just a ton of emotional wreckage.  Some asshole decides that riding bulls is way better than hanging out with his family so he tells them to eat it and goes on the rodeo circuit.  But he’s a joke and never wins shit so by the end he not only doesn’t have a family to go to, but his body’s all beaten up from getting tossed around by giant, angry cows with horns because he decided hopping on their backs was a sweet idea.  Sorry dick, but your life sucks now.  Way to go.

If any of his songs could be considered “gangsta,” I’m going to say it would be this one.  So, I’m gonna sum it up like a G. 

Alright, so this bitch is cruising around in her fuckin’ wagon trying to get to Cali, right?  What do you know, some dipshit leading the group gets lost and now they’re all fucked because of mountain lions and Indians and hypothermia and shit.  Then this fucking dude comes out of nowhere and saves the whole lot of ‘em.  So this bitch gets a big sploosh from this guy and she hangs around because she wants to make him a baby daddy.  Y’know, get him locked down and shit.  And, of course, she does.  Probably poked some holes in the condoms or whatever.  Few years later they got a family and everything is tight until he gets capped by some fuck.  She gets pissed but holds that shit in for a while.  Then she finds the bitch that shot her husband and does she call the cops?  Hell no.  She pulls out her glock and smokes his ass her damn self.  You don’t fuck with a sticking-around-bill-paying baby daddy unless you want the wrath of a psycho hosebeast coming after you.

Hey!  More domestic violence!  Some dick cheats on his wife and doesn’t have the sense to cover up her perfume on his collar.  Hasn’t he ever seen whatever movies this exact same shit probably happened at one point or another or something?  Anyways, she gets pissed and we are pointed towards the possibility that she does something to him.


There is actually a third verse to this song that isn’t included on the recording.  He would occasionally play the third verse live where we learn this shit:
She runs back down the hallway and through the bedroom door
She reaches for the pistol kept in the dresser drawer
Tells the lady in the mirror 'he won't do this again'
'Cause tonight will be the last time, she'll wonder where he's been

Dude could’ve changed his shirt and taken a shower, but his philandering ways have now caught up with him and he’s about to bleed out in his own house.

More domestic violence in this one, but of the amusing and not heartbreaking variety.  What happens?  Well, a woman cheats on her husband while he’s out paying her goddamn rent and paying for her goddamn food by driving trucks.  However, he comes home early one night and figures out she’s out banging some dude.  As one might expect, he gets pretty mad.  How mad?  He drives his fucking truck through the wall of the motel, effectively killing her and securing himself a life-term in prison.  Sorry kids, gotta raise yourselves now!  Although this story might not sound amusing, it is sung in a major key and with thorough joviality throughout.  Ignore the lyrics and you might think it’s about going to a party.  But no, he already did the party song.

Now, Brooks didn’t actually write this song.  Although it is pretty awesome that the whole thing is about being a dirty ass drunk, we can only give him credit for lending his face to be associated with that image.  Which, I guess, is commendable.  But the really great part of this song is how he added a third verse a few years later because he felt the whole thing was just a little too dainty for him and he wanted his own personality reflected in the song.  Here’s the last line from the third verse: 

Just wait til I finish this glass 
Then sweet little lady,
I'll head back to the bar 
And you can kiss my ass

Yeah, that’s awesome.

Garth Brooks was a bad ass and I’m going to completely ignore all the Chris Gaines shit because his music was awesome and the time he hosted SNL was hilarious.  These days you still hear songs about people getting pissed when their lovers cheat, but not on the twisted level of psychological and animalistic violence found in these songs.  Oh you keyed his car?  That must have really pissed him off.  This other chick opened up his chest with a pistol.  And it is for these wonderful reasons that Garth Brooks is hard as fuck and will always have a special place within the memory and music appreciation sections of my brain.  I hope you didn’t think I was going to say “heart,” because that only pumps blood.  It’s a muscle, people.  It doesn’t “break” when your favorite Bachelorette contestant is voted off, or whatever.  That’s just your brain slowly dying within your skull.

1 comment:

  1. You like Garth Brooks, but hate Elvis... Elvis had perfect pitch and this douche put on a wig and wrote terrible music. Brooks best songs are New Grass Revival covers. Elvis isn't the best musician/arist of all time, but before the hard drugs took their toll he was one of the greatest entertainers of all time. At least Elvis could play almost any instrument he picked up, Garth Brooks barely gets by playing rhythm acoustic guitar. I don't hate Garth Brooks, but if your argument is talent Elvis mops the floor with Brooks' ugly Chris Gaines wig