Thursday, September 19, 2013

Everybody Doesn't Love Your Dog



So, I own a dog.  She’s pretty cool and I do my best to make sure she’s comfortable and not pissing anybody else off.  This includes trying to keep her from howling like a goddamn maniac whenever I leave the house, not letting her run up to strangers without their permission (not that she really does this anyways), picking up after her (not meaning the plates and cups she leaves around on the coffee table after making herself breakfast but more along the lines of turds), and not taking her where she doesn’t belong.

In a perfect world, people would have the same amount of respect for the other people in their community, but that’s obviously never going to happen because a lot of people simply suck.  So here’s a couple of things people with dogs need to figure the fuck out.  As a dog owner, I feel perfectly comfortable listing these things off.  It’s kinda like how black people get to use that one word.  You probably know which one I mean.  If not, just watch some Chris Rock standup and pay attention to the one he says the most.  That one.  The one which can not be named (by me, at least).


People is Los Angeles seem to think their dogs are more important that you.  This is why they take their dogs fucking everywhere, no matter how inappropriate.  My lovely girlfriend works in a clothing store and frequently comes home with stories of people bringing in dogs (and not just the tiny ones you can keep in a purse, big dogs as well) and letting them shit and piss on the floor.  Of a clothing store.  Within a mall.  That means they had to take elevators and escalators and shit to get there.  With their dog.  How in the hell can you think this is okay? 

I work in a coffee shop that sells food.  We are liable to health code inspections and can even be fined if we are caught with substandard cleanliness which includes having dogs within our establishment.  Now, not everybody knows we can be fined for having dogs inside.  But it seems like common knowledge that if food is being served somewhere, your dog has to wait outside.  People are eating, and dogs aren’t clean (my dog pees on her own feet all the time).  I have had people become enraged when I politely ask them to take their dog outside.  They’ve walked out with righteous indignation because their dog couldn’t sit inside while they checked their facebook profiles and sipped an iced tea.  This is beyond ridiculous.  I even had someone bring in a ferret.  A fucking ferret.  When I told her she couldn’t have it in the café she walked outside and shoved it into her backpack, zipped it up, and walked right back in as if I thought her capable of magic and simply made the rodent disappear.  Your backpack is squirming, miss.  Please get the fuck out.

I once told a man to bring his dog outside and he got pissed because his daughter was disabled and the dog was a service dog.  Which seems like an okay reason to get pissed except for the fact that he was walking into a restaurant without the proper identification attached to the dog’s harness.  Plus, it was a fucking poodle.  Not a seeing eye dog.  Not an intelligent German shepherd or anything that could actually do something helpful.  A shitty little poodle that apparently calms her nerves. 

That’s okay, I guess.  But should that be labeled a service dog?  According to the episode of People’s Court that I watched a couple months ago, the answer is no.  By those standards, every dog is a service dog.  Who gets a dog that makes them feel shittier (besides people that use them for dog fighting or property protection)?  This service dog classification is being abused just as much as medicinal marijuana.  Apparently, it’s very easy to get your dog classified as a service dog.  This information came to me from some piss drunk twenty-something neo-hippy that I spoke with at a bar while his Akita sat in his lap.  It wasn’t helping him in any way besides the fact that he liked it being there.  Granted, I liked that it was there, too, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay.

Another thing people with dogs need to figure out is how to pick up poop.  It’s not hard.  It’s not even that gross after the first couple times.  Just wrap your hand in a bag and get on in there.  No matter how simple, people leave dog shit all over the place.  Although this pisses me off to the extreme, nobody seems more pissed than my neighbor.  This is the man that I caught throwing shit into my apartment complex because he thought dogs that live here were the ones leaving it next to the sidewalk.

In fact, he just stopped me a couple days ago to tell me that it was going to “start flying again.”  Apparently, he has turned the person in the front apartment of his complex into a spy because they told him that “a guy with a beard and a hound dog” left a pile of shit in front of their place.  No mistake, he was talking about me.  The mistake comes in when you consider the fact that I pick up after my dog every fucking time.  I’m guessing the person saw my dog take a piss and then walk away because it’s actually quite hard to pick up urine once it hits the grass.  So he’s a fucking idiot.

I’m eagerly awaiting finding shit scattered throughout my complex again so I can call the cops on his dumb ass and laugh as he tries to justify himself.

“But, he left poop out there!”

“How do you know that, sir?”

“Someone told me!”

“Do you have proof?”

“Well, no…”

“Okay then, grab your ankles and spread ‘em.”  (I don’t know anything about proper police procedure.)

The best part of this whole confrontation, is that I’m actually on his side.  I agree that too many people in our neighborhood leave shit all over the place.  It’s disgusting.  Not that I’m about to start throwing it all over the place like an orangutan, though.  That’s where him and I differ.  I’m like Professor X and he’s like Magneto.  Or I’m Martin Luther King and he’s Malcom X.  We both want the same outcome but our methods are drastically different.

So, what have we learned?  Having a dog is a simultaneous privilege and responsibility.  Dogs are great, but not everyone loves your dog as much as you do.  You may think it’s cute when they bark, but it probably makes other people want to kick the air right out of your dog’s lungs.  You bought your dog’s food which they eventually shit out.  Therefore, it’s still your property while it’s being extruded from their ass.  You pick it up.  Don’t be a fucker.

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