Thursday, November 7, 2013

Six Insults From the Early 90s That Deserve a Comeback

Every generation complains about the next.  Our parents complained about us, and we complain about the kids our friends are having (because let’s face it, we’re not mature enough to ignore a child for the next 18 years).  That being said, kids these days are a bunch of no-good hooligans.  It’s a short step from causing a kid to look up from their smart phone to being told, “Shut up you goddamn piece of fucking shit cocksucker.”  No tact, that’s probably the part that stings the most.  But as us “Millennials” (which is not nearly as badass as “Generation X” but at least not as much of an afterthought as “Generation Y”) know, shit was way cooler in the early nineties.  Nowadays, you have kids bullying each other into suicide after raining insults on them via chat rooms or Skype or bullhorns or whatever.  But back when having access to cable was hella cool, insults were something you could toss at somebody and they would either return the attitude, shrug it off, or let it fester in their gut until it would manifest itself later in life as some unhealthy habit (which might explain my college roommate chasing shots with pickle juice).  Anybody can convey their dislike with vulgarity, but it takes a true connoisseur to do it with class.

It’s about time for the new generation (Do they have a name?  Generation Z?) to start recycling some of our phrases much like they recycle our clothes from thrift stores or our episodes of Fresh Prince.  Let’s face it, these terms and phrases are like fine wine; they are complex and only get better with age.  So, to help the little tykes out, here is a list of six insults that deserve a comeback.

1.  Dickwad

The “wad” suffix was a popular one, and for good reason.  It magnifies whatever original word you want to call your opponent.  Sure, calling someone a dick is shitty.  Who would want to be a dick?  You’re kept in a sweaty pile of clothes all day; the only times you come out is to shoot out some piss or, if you’re lucky, to get crammed into another sweaty, dark space or strangled for a while until you vomit.  The majority of people will turn away in disgust at the sight of you and some will even call the police.  Sure, being a dick sucks.  But being an entire wad of dicks?  As in, all crammed together into something resembling chewed gum but made of dicks?  That is awful.  Whatever twisted ten-year-old that first called another fifth grader a dickwad must have blown that kid’s fucking mind.

2.  Prick

For some reason, this one just feels good to say.  One syllable, straight to the point, sharp-sounding consonants at each side of the word; it’s really quite a work of art.  It’s a word that is nowhere near anything that would get bleeped on the radio, but for some reason you still feel awkward saying it around your mother.  This is one of the insults that have an extra bit of spice because it flirts with idiomatic speech.  You know what it means to call someone a prick, you just don’t really know why.  Needles and pins probably aren’t at the forefront of a person’s mind when trying to insult somebody, but why not?  Nobody likes being pricked.  By anything.  Ever.  No one has ever gotten a splinter and been like, “Fuck yes.”  There’s a vaguely distressing feeling associated with that word.  It just makes you feel like shit.  It’s like magic.  Or diarrhea. 

3.  Bite Me

Although this one isn’t something you can call your opponent, it’s still a disconcerting thing to say to another person.  Why would you want someone to bite you?  Maybe if it’s some strange sexual kink, sure, but someone you’re arguing with?  Quite possibly a complete stranger?  Anything involving the mouth is immediate and personal (that’s why many hookers will let you put anything you want anywhere inside of them but refuse to kiss; mouth on mouth is akin to missionary soul-sex).  So to tell someone to bite you not only throws the other person off, it fucks with their head long after you decide who finally deserves the parking space.

4.  Spaz

This term is BADD (before Attention Deficit Disorder) so it’s not referring to a specific condition.  Instead, it aims to tell the offender that A) They need to settle the fuck down, and B) They need to shut the fuck up.  This is all summed up in a one-syllable, four-letter word without any reason to quiet your voice as the teacher walks past.  Sure you could just say, “Hey Bob, settle the fuck down and shut the fuck up,” but that would lack all the poise and finesse of simply calling him a spaz in front of all of his friends.  Shit, you could even text it to him.  It might remind him to take his Ritalin. 

5.  Gaylord

While the homophobic slurs of calling someone “gay” is never okay, here’s one instance where it’s totally okay.  It has a nice Tolkien-meets-Eminem thing going on where it shows the near-sighted stupidity of the person saying it while also exulting the person it’s intended to insult.  So, although it’s not an effective insult, it’s such an interesting phrase that I decided to include it on the list anyways.

6.  Butthole

Calling someone an “asshole” is so overdone.  People scream it out of windows in traffic all day every day.  But what they don’t realize is that the overuse of the word has dissociated it from its true meaning:  The hole is your ass.  This is why the term “butthole” is so spectacular.  If you call someone an asshole, they think you are calling them a jerk.  But if you call someone a butthole, they know you are referring to the anus.  Nothing good comes from there.  One might be tempted to call it the worst place in the world.  Think about it.  What happens there?  Feces.  Flatulence.  Sweaty hair.  It’s forever intertwined with putrid scents and revolting refuse.  If you are able to drop a “butthole” into an argument, it’s like pulling out a 45-foot dick at daycare (as a child not an adult, sheesh).  Everyone shuts up.  Everyone goes home.  And the image never leaves your mind, quietly lingering to pop up every time you accidentally glance at the sun leaving you temporarily blinded but with the vague outline of the figure from the day your innocence left you forever.

So there you go, you little fucking shitheads.  Get out there and use some “hip” and “rad” terms that will impress your friends because they’re super duper “retro.”

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